OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
