so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
