So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
