Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
