ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
