I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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