I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
