Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can you bring me the toilet please
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
