i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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