weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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