honey bunches of taint.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Floor bacon is actually really good
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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