i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
