I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
