I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
