Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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