I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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