im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
