i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize