12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
