Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
