I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
