I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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