I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
