why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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