my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
