I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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