Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
