I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
