is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
