Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize