this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
