Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
