I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My penis needs a shock collar
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
