I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize