just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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