I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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