I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize