Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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