Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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