Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize