Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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