I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
