Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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