Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize