You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
