guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
