You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
did i just pee glitter
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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