someone threw a dead crab at me
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
