I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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