I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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