matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
