I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
