On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
