when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize