Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
