party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We just shotgunned beers for America
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
