If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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