I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize