I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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