All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize