I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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