I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
