Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
