she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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