i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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